Perfection and Productivity

I am a month into my first year of theology and I have mixed emotions. I am now studying something that I enjoy and that is important to me, but there is so much reading. A great Catholic theologian, Hans Urs van Balthazar, argues that in order to make the study of theology fruitful it must be a “kneeling theology” in which we begin study in prayer, struggle with theological concepts and issues in prayer, and end times of study in prayer. I am still struggling with how to connect my intellectual and spiritual life in this way precisely because I have kept them separated for so many years. Apart from classes, I have picked up a few hobbies that I have really begun to enjoy. This summer I began to make nylon rosaries, on returning to the seminary I have begun to do puzzles, and with some help I am dabbling in the art of making book origami (for reference : http://lilfishstudios.blogspot.com/2009/07/abc-book-origami-love.html). Overall, I am enjoying the transition from philosophy to theology.

Today I was finding it difficult to clear my mind in preparation for Mass. This is not a rare occurrence, but today I was feeling the pressure of impending papers, tests, meetings, and responsibilities. I found myself going over the hour by hour afternoon that would make me the most productive. I was constructing in my imagination the perfect afternoon of productivity and accomplishment. I am sitting here this evening to testify that reality does not work the way our imagination would like it. I am learning an important lesson though: the challenges and interruptions during the day are perfect times for God’s grace and love to reach us. God works in reality; not in our dream world of productivity and perfection. I have found myself many times writing possible posts for this blog only to scrap it because I feel like it wasn’t perfect enough. This evening going into prayer I dipped my hand in the holy water font, which I have done who knows how many times, and I was drawn to the ripple in the holy water that I caused. God wants me to make ripples in the life of others. I felt him pleading with me to make ripples in the life of others any way I know how. He is not asking for perfect, infallible ripples. He is asking me to act in the lives of others out of the love I have for Him (with my eyes focused on Him).

God does not desire my productivity. He desires my friendship. When I go into prayer to be productive, I am attempting to grow in the spiritual life without God. I am the seed that sprouts up fast, but is dies away when the heat of the sun shines relentlessly on it without deeply planted roots. God wants me to waste time with Him. He wants me to depend on Him in all of my actions. In the soil of no agendas or expectations, God is waiting to be with me and to grow with me. After many hours of prayer in His presence without expectations I begin to experience God as my foundation and then when my roots are deeply planted in Him I am able to sprout. In this fertile soil, my movements and growth in the spiritual life are directed by God and toward Him (which can take as little or as much time as possible). When I am experienced in this type of prayer, prayer of friendship and trust, I will stop trying to sprout on my own as much. As for now, I continually try to perfect myself and grow by my own accord, but God is patient and He sees that even though I lack dependence in Him I will get back up and try again as a result of His grace and love.