I am a month into my first year of theology and I have mixed
emotions. I am now studying something that I enjoy and that is important to me,
but there is so much reading. A great Catholic theologian, Hans Urs van Balthazar,
argues that in order to make the study of theology fruitful it must be a “kneeling
theology” in which we begin study in prayer, struggle with theological concepts
and issues in prayer, and end times of study in prayer. I am still struggling
with how to connect my intellectual and spiritual life in this way precisely
because I have kept them separated for so many years. Apart from classes, I
have picked up a few hobbies that I have really begun to enjoy. This summer I
began to make nylon rosaries, on returning to the seminary I have begun to do
puzzles, and with some help I am dabbling in the art of making book origami
(for reference : http://lilfishstudios.blogspot.com/2009/07/abc-book-origami-love.html).
Overall, I am enjoying the transition from philosophy to theology.
Today I was finding it difficult to clear my mind in preparation
for Mass. This is not a rare occurrence, but today I was feeling the pressure
of impending papers, tests, meetings, and responsibilities. I found myself
going over the hour by hour afternoon that would make me the most productive. I
was constructing in my imagination the perfect afternoon of productivity and
accomplishment. I am sitting here this evening to testify that reality does not
work the way our imagination would like it. I am learning an important lesson
though: the challenges and interruptions during the day are perfect times for
God’s grace and love to reach us. God works in reality; not in our dream world
of productivity and perfection. I have found myself many times writing possible
posts for this blog only to scrap it because I feel like it wasn’t perfect
enough. This evening going into prayer I dipped my hand in the holy water font,
which I have done who knows how many times, and I was drawn to the ripple in
the holy water that I caused. God wants me to make ripples in the life of
others. I felt him pleading with me to make ripples in the life of others any
way I know how. He is not asking for perfect, infallible ripples. He is asking
me to act in the lives of others out of the love I have for Him (with my eyes
focused on Him).
God does not desire my productivity. He desires my
friendship. When I go into prayer to be productive, I am attempting to grow in
the spiritual life without God. I am the seed that sprouts up fast, but is dies
away when the heat of the sun shines relentlessly on it without deeply planted
roots. God wants me to waste time with Him. He wants me to depend on Him in all
of my actions. In the soil of no agendas or expectations, God is waiting to be
with me and to grow with me. After many hours of prayer in His presence without
expectations I begin to experience God as my foundation and then when my roots
are deeply planted in Him I am able to sprout. In this fertile soil, my
movements and growth in the spiritual life are directed by God and toward Him (which
can take as little or as much time as possible). When I am experienced in this
type of prayer, prayer of friendship and trust, I will stop trying to sprout on
my own as much. As for now, I continually try to perfect myself and grow by my
own accord, but God is patient and He sees that even though I lack dependence
in Him I will get back up and try again as a result of His grace and love.
